The most precious boy
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this is the greatest thing ever
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Based Erika
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.