The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Perfect
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them