The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.