The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean