The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
omg leave her alone
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now