The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Damn what did I do next
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you