@fro_vo

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

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@Gorrdano

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

@Rohit_And_Run

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

@emsykay

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

@cortronic

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@iwearaonesie

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

@mostunladylike

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*