the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it