the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.


My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.


FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same


Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off


*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*


my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair


Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”


I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.


*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.


*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*