The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.