The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Why are bridges so flammable.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
From my Mom
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.