The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’