The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”