The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus