The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.