The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
not seeing the problem
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I have many caverns
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.