the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Perfect
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
SF is the wild wild west man