The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”