The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.