The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?