The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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Pandas 🐼🖤
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions