the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?