The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m awake but I object,
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?