“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
#StillHurts
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.