the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively