@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

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@ElgatoEsmio

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

@Miz_Mental_Case

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

@Thynebear

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?