The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me, flirting😏
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document