*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold