The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere