“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear