The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.