Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Important

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.