The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”