The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?