The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Netflix and awkward silence?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation