The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
mumsnet is amazing
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”