The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.