The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Flowers bee like
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: