The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that鈥檚 cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it鈥檚 kinda creepy.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I鈥檓 not sure how she can be your favorite if you don鈥檛 even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She鈥檚 5.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)