The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Who says great literature is dead?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence