The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Netflix and awkward silence?