The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
This is my pinned tweet
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him