The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Pot warmers of the day.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.