@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

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@TragicAllyHere

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

@offbeatoliv

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

@Birdhumms

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

@TitansHomer

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

@JermHimselfish

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

@ofcourseyoudid

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@OfficeLinebcker

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.