The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Florida be like…
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
this post was so formative to me
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.