The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

You Might Also Like


Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.


Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.


“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.


BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.


My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.


Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…


The swallow

*walks offstage


What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?


My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.