The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You Might Also Like
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out