The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Goodnight 🐶
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly