The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
an airline just for babies.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us