The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that