The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
channeling her this year
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
best review i’ve ever seen
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive