The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?