the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no