@coffeeandvinyl1 Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
@GibJimson The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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@coffeeandvinyl1 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
@djdarrellripley I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
@lloydrang By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
@AnOrangeSNES We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
@AlexvanBeek EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
@dumbbeezie Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
@zachreinert0 
@YoungNobler I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
@bonehugsnirony Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.