Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.