@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

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@coffeeandvinyl1

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@AnOrangeSNES

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@dumbbeezie

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

@bonehugsnirony

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.