The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*