The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?